zahid lilani

You know you are from San Jose when…

1. Oakland is close enough so you can root for its teams, but far enough away so that you feel safe.

2. You can distinguish between a cryp and a blood at Great America based upon the nuances of their limp.

3. Several “parties” you frequent take place inside someone’s garage amongst laundry, sitting on crates around a bong.

4. You know why 280 south becomes 680 north.

5. Your elementary school field trips included the Children’s Discovery Museum, Mission Santa Clara, and Happy Hollow.

6. You didn’t realize that San Jose` had an accent mark until the “San Jose` – the Capital of Silicon Valley” signs went up everywhere.

7. You don’t understand how you could have functioned before hway 85.

8. Nickel City = Awesome.

9. You had your hair done at Special FX for prom.

10. You or a family member has made a donation to KQED.

11. You know at least three jokes regarding the ambiguous sexual orientation of boys from Bellarmine.

12. You learned the concept of “Duck and Cover” just in the nick of time.

13. You use “The Church on the Hill” as a landmark.

14. You’ve been to at least one party at the Vallco ice rink.

15. You’ve gotten in a car accident at Almaden and Blossom Hill.

16. Smashmouth. Don’t say ANYTHING.

17. You have an arsenal of tongue-in-cheek pet names for West Valley College.

18. You said “hella” in high school because it was the thing to say, and you say “hella” now to claim San Francisco. But you’re from San Jose.

19. You were usually in Santa Cruz in high school.

20. You can’t decide whether to take 101 or 280.

21. You or a family member got a car on Capitol Expwy.

22. The only time you’ve ever been to the Winchester Mystery House is when an out-of-town relative insisted on seeing it.

23. You remember AFI before they hit the mainstream.

24. You know that “Christmas in the Park” has very little to do with an actual park.

25. Whenever Caesar Chavez park comes to mind, you envision a giant “poop” statue… yeah, you know what i mean!

26. You call it “San Ho” and laugh to yourself a little. Every time.

27. You have impromptu high school reunions at the Brit.

28. You participated in CCS.

29. You’ve eaten Golfland nachos.

30. You think lightrail is the ONLY way to go.

31. You went to Summer Jams or BFD.

32. You meet your friends at the Santa Teresa Starbucks. You smoke cigarettes outside the Santa Teresa Starbucks.

33. You have comprehensive knowledge of Paul from the Diamond Center’s credentials and advertising campaigns.

34. You’ve danced at the Edge.

35. You’re usually bored.

36. You go to LaFondue for your anniversary because its mandated by the city. You have to go, its just something you have to do.

37. You’ve made the joke about “Silicone Valley”.

38. Hicks Road scares the shit out of you.

39. You’ve driven up hicks road several times late at night with a car full of friends looking for the legendary albinos that live there.

40. You’ve crashed a computer company’s Christmas party at the Fairmont.

41. You were at your computer company’s Christmas party at the Fairmont when some loser burnouts crashed it.

42. You are in the drive-thru line at the Branham Jack-in-the-Box at 3am.

43. …Honestly, if you tell them about Smashmouth we’ll never live it down.

44. Remember Christi Yamaguchi.

45. Your don’t know exactly what your dad does, but you know its something in high tech.

46. Your mom is a member of AVAC.

47. You’ve tried to get to that building on the top of Mt. Umunhum.

48. When you are aware of the fact that its the third largest city in California dammit, its not like its some obscure town in the central valley or a high sierra mining camp. Its frickin San Jose. Its got like a million people. You haven’t heard of it? That’s because you’re ignorant. That’s because you’re ignorant and disgusting. PS we made your computer. Now do you feel stupid? A little bit? Yeah.

49. You always answer the question “San Jose? Where is that?” with “About an hour south of San Francisco (dumbass)”.

50. You went to a rave, knew someone who went to a rave, or at least pretended that you were a raver in the late 90s.

51. You can judge a person with frightening acuity based on what high school they went to, regardless of that high school’s geographical location. Leland and Santa Teresa – case in point.

52. You saw Primus at the Cactus Club.

53. You know what yay is.

54. You do the ‘california roll’ through every stop sign.

55. You think Oakridge is lame but still spend waaay too much time there.

56. You know that when people say the’yre “going to the city” they mean san fran.

57. At least once you have gone to San Francisco for the day wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was a warm clear day in San Jose. And you froze your little @$#^ off.

58. You’ve been to a giants game [if you think san francisco giants, you obviously dont live in san jose]

59. You know “The Woods” isn’t an actual forest.

60. You played in the fountains downtown when you were a kid.

61. The SJ flea market is the only place on earth where you decide that you need a poncho, a cowboy hat, some fresh produce, a genuine samurai sword, and a picture of Elvis. And you just have to talk the vendor down from two bucks to a buck fifty for the Elvis picture.

62. You have at least one friend who brags about knowing player for the SJ Sharks.

63. You’ve spent over 6 hours of your life looking for parking at Santana Row.

64. Things start to smell like garlic about 30 minutes south of your house.

65. You are fully aware of the fact that 87 will never be “finished”.

66. When people refer to “the field”, you know they’re talking about the empty plot of land across from Safeway by 85, Branham and Snell.

66. The Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum scares you.

67. You know that Mr. Chau is ‘all over da place’.

68. Deciding between La Vic’s and Iguanas is a daily choice.

69. You know that the pink poodle isn’t referring to a dog of color.

70. You’ve been in a sex shop on San Carlos (or at least thought about going in).

71. You’ve been to Raging Waters

72. You remember going to birthday parties at Golden Skate Roller Palace or Q-zar.

73. Going to the Cardinal makes you feel a lot younger because of all the old people.

74. Finding fingers in your chili is not something to laugh at.

75. You fear for your life, and you have “near death” stories just traveling down Tully.

76. All the cool high school kids go to the Gaslighter.

77. You’ve driven around Willow Glen at Christmas to see all of the insanely tricked-out Christmas lights.

78. You drove all the way to Willow Glen or the Rose Garden Area to go trick-or-treating.

79. You know all the good hookah bars.

80. You’ve lived in San Jose your whole life and still manage to get lost once in a while.

81. You wish you lived in a house on University Avenue.

82. You’ve gone to the behemoth that is the Martin Luther King library to do research and gotten hopelessly lost.

83. You get annoyed when people say you aren’t from the bay even though your city is bigger and if they checked the city limits-they touch water.

84. When you were seven the tech museum’s ball machine was the coolest thing ever and you could watch it for hours.

85. You remember when the only IMAX anyone was able to go to was at the Tech Museum.

86. You wondered why there were random shark sculptures on every street corner last summer.

87. You’ve known that the Pink Poodle has been right next to Babyland your whole life, but you still make jokes every time you drive by.

88. You read the Merc.

89. You remember when the HP Pavilion was built, when everyone called it “the arena”, and now refer to it as the Shark Tank.

90. If it weren’t for the sharks, you probably wouldn’t watch hockey.

91. The airplane at Vasona defined your childhood.

92. It was a huge deal the one time it snowed, even though it pretty much melted once it hit the ground.

93. You dream of living in one of those mansions in the Los Gatos Hills.

94. You’ve designed, colored, or glues maccoroni on to an ornament for a Christmas tree for Christmas in the Park.

95. Your trip to the slopes starts at 4 in the morning.

96. Going to Los Gatos is not an event unless you see at least 3 Lambo’s.

97. Hwy 9 is the funnest road in the bay.

98. You can find, purchase, and start hitting a sack in under 10 minutes.

99. You know why there are no skyscrapers downtown.

100. You openly hate Valley Fair, curse whoever it was that planed that stupid fucking off-ramp from 880 to Stevens Creek because of all the stupid Valley Fair traffic…but you know at least 3 people who work there, you do your shopping there, and always run into at least 7 kids you know.

101. You still don’t understand that carwash that looks like a boat over by 17 and Hamilton.

102. You were disappointed to learn that the Old Spaghetti Factory is a chain.

103. You learned to drive in the parking lot of an abandoned Dot Com-er office complex.

104. You have seen Crazy George with his drum at a San Jose Giants game.


106. The Zodiac Killer had ties in San Jose, and a supposed victim.

107. You know what CMT kids are.

108. You saw the Warriors lose a game at the Arena during their interim stay in San Jo.

109. You pressed your whole body (face and all) into the giant pin thing at the Discovery Museum despite the signs that warn you not to.

110. You’ve gone to college somewhere that’s mostly white and it unnerves you.

111. You know the In N Out secret menu.

112. Regardless of your ethnicity, you know when Chinese New Year is and which animal’s year it is.

113. You’ve contracted a viral infection from the “water” at Almaden Lake.

114. Your mom cut the “family night at the shark’s tank” coupon out of the Mercury News.

115. You can’t find a single street without at least 20 potholes per mile.

116. Someone you know has a tile with their name on it outside of the Children’s Discovery Museum.

117. You have tried to drop/spit things on people while riding Eagle’s Flight at Great America.

118. You went to walden west science camp at some point in elementary school.

119. You went to Camp Campbell in 5th/6th grade.

120. You’ve only been to a Quakes game once or not at all, yet now that they’re gone, you miss them.

121. You can find at least 50 yard sales on any given Saturday.

122. You’ve watched the fireworks from that part of downtown with the palm trees near 280.

123. You drove out to the Mercado to see a movie because it had the best seats.

124. You know that the best parties are in other towns

125. You’ve taken Caltrain to SF to avoid driving in the city, then hated walking around all day.

126. You’ve been to Hakone gardens.

127. You’ve smelled the Sulphur at Alum Rock Park.

128. You remember the Auto Mall in los gatos exploding!

129. You played on the play structure in Mineta Airport as a kid

130. Military planes flying into Moffett Field are a normal everyday occurrence.

131. You wish you worked for Google.

132. You know all the cutty parks to do drugs in.

133. You use mapquest just to get across town to someone’s house.

134. You remember the Santana Row fire and everyone thought it was a terrorist attack.

135. Despite the fact that there is so much to do in San Jose, you never have anything to do!

136. There are places you can walk alone at night and be perfectly safe… and then there are places you wouldn’t dare walk alone durnig the day.

137. You used to play in the “snow” outside the eastridge ice arena.

138. You know about the horrible duck-runner-overer man, and you saw his posters all around the city.

139. You’ve seen the roller skating cowboy in white.

140. You know where the billboards change from English to Spanish then from Spanish or English to Vietnamese. And think it is awesome when you find an intersection with three billboards, one in each language.

141. For the Asians: Lion Plaza

142. When asked by anyone who the most boring/anoying person they know is, you quickly respond Tom Shane

143. You wonder why there are a few random plots of land that are still not built up ( wouldnt the people that own that make a fuckin fortune if they sold it to the city).

144. The only other person in your college who cares about the NHL is from canada.

145. You waited 3 hours in line for STEALTH at great america when it first came out, and by the time you came back, they took it down.

146. You had your high school senior portrait taken at ProImage Studios.

147. You wonder why our county is called “Santa Clara County” even though SJ has nearly 10 times as many residents as Santa Clara.

148. It was only after a building did get knocked down that you realized you’d never actually paid attention to what it had been for, just that something had definitely been there.

149. You know your from San Jose if you’ve been to another city at night and wondered why the lights weren’t low pressure sodium mustard yellow.

150. Almost everyone from your high school goes to DeAnza/West Valley/Evergreen after they graduate.